Now
Netherthorpe is currently the main training arena for the IRA. A large part of the school tradition is bare knuckle boxing a eskimo and then cooking the sweet tangy flesh of the loser. A notable winner of many of these fights is Pete Zahut with 50 wins 41 KO and 12 Eaten. Another tradition is the hunting of the incredibly rare and idiotic Double-Mole, (Talpidus Doblus), a creature that is found almost exclusively within the inner walls of the school. Many students also enjoy the flouncing of Disco Stu (easily distinguishable for his obsessive behaviour towards pizza which is to be rubbed upon someones facial features) which currently attends the school. He regulary enjoys attending dance meets and is affectionately shouted at by his friends. Netherthorpe is recognised as a country by the EU. Invading the perimeters of the school is classed as a act of war and Netherthorpe have a large arsenal of weaponary to deploy. These include:
A big gnarly bear
Six 20 pounder artillery guns
A crack squad of elite commandos known as the NAS (netherthorpe air service)
Thirty GPMG machine guns
712 landmines scattered randomly (as many unfortunate students of the school have found out.)
The netherthorpe parachute regiment
The NAF (netherthorpe air force) consisting of three cessna 152s
The students (armed with AK47s, a bayonet and a pop tart to combat hunger)
A pack of hungry greyhounds
Zebras mounted by teachers with lances
3 El Pakas
A highly dangerous and sexually driven weapon of mass destruction; simply known as, MIss Morley
Beginnings
Netherthorpe School was built by the bare hands of Toby Townsend, affectionately known by some as T-Bird, in 1841, after a failed career of trying to be a world famous body builder. In 1989 Toby was crushed when he unsuccessfully auditioned for Baywatch and therefore decided to travel back in time and build a school made of slightly over-baked shortbread, remnants of which can still be found today. He chose the site of a circus ground belonging to his brother-in-law, the one not working for Danone, to build the school upon. However the Juggler was an ardent Protestant and frequently argued with Toby. Toby does proceeded to kill him by slitting his throat, which in turn killed the circus.
Early Days
Netherthorpe began as Nazi training camp and Hitler appreciation society, although in the late '60s following an acid trip Toby found Jesus and shaved his Charlie Chaplin moustache, as well as his wicked ways.
Trouble followed in the '70s when Toby was caught by a strain of flu in a particularly bad August. Walking down the school Science corridor, Toby sniffled and it was later found that 5 students went missing as a result. However, it was also discovered that there was a pre-existing settlement in his naval cavities and the students were much happier here.
School Values
The school has very strict values, and when not adhered to this results in public humiliation. This takes form in animal / sexual slander, as well as the enforced battle to the death with a live panda, referenced in the school anthem, "Kill the Panda".
Many have criticised Toby for this "barbaric" and "emotionally degrading" style of punishment, and in response Toby ritually slaughters all non-believers. Bitch.
Another type of punishment includes jokes revolving mainly around a burning gorilla. This gorilla has not yet been found, and is believed to be the cause of the ever present fire alarm drill.
School Houses
Having read and watched all existing Harry Potter books and paraphernalia, Toby decided that Netherthorpe should be split into houses, reasoning that eventually magic would spring forth.
Sitwell
AKA s***twell the worst and Disobedient House
De Rhodes
Home to some of the best and most adored students. Mr Brennan is certainly proud of us all.
Cavendish
It was once rumoured that Toby would introduce the House of Cavendish to Netherthorpe as a secret society to enforce his dedication to fire extinguishers and health and safety. However Toby decided that Cavendish was too secret to be a secret, and so placed himself in the House unbeknownst to all others.
Frecheville
Clarky's fave.
Debating Society
Toby so enjoys speaking he set up a society where he is the master of the tongue. This was achieved during his time traveling days, and was the result of many nights of hard, honest liquor. Comprising of a few pet students, the society is run to ensure that Toby can satisfy his nasal cravings by latching onto the leaders of tomorrow.
The Boat
It is often reported by Toby that there is a boat which you must get on before you can do anything else. How to find this boat is unknown, but there are various methods of getting on to it:
- Arriving at the harbour before the boat is due to leave and boarding early.
- Arriving at the last minute and jumping onto the boat as it pulls away.
- Swimming to the boat and hoping someone decides to throw a rope so that you can get onto the boat.
It is not known what happens to those who do not get onto the boat, but there are rumours that those who do not leave the harbour will build sandcastles and those who drown will meet with Panda carcasses.
The Boars Head Carol
This is a Carol dedicated to the severing of a boar's head by the students who so fervently admire Toby that they feel they must present a papier mache representation to him. The choice of papier mache coincides in no way with the rather nice shoes Toby owns.
Teachers
Netherthorpe School makes a point of hiring only the finest alcoholics. These include:
- Mr. Frost, with the power to command the elements, specifically ice.
- Miss Teather, former Miss World and vigilante with a rope. Is reported to have won both the Shropshire and Egyptian Souperbowl with her fabled Seasonal Vegetable Soup.
- Mr. Quigley, half man, half potato, reportedly committed arson with sexual intent. Was hired by Toby soon after.
- Mr. Edmonds, (AKA: "Dreadmonds") former cage fighter turned maths teacher, although it is reported if you lunge at him wildly instinct takes over and the result is a full-body suplex. Also highly religious, it has been reported that he has the whole up-to-date series of Songs of Praise on DVD. He has a cat called cat which is said to be the only thing he feels emotion towards. A fan of muppets but not of base 12, and responds to being called Noel by blushing. Has no real name but is admired for his shiny car.
- Mr. Cam, design & technolgy teacher. some say he was able to stretch to be 14ft tall and was trained off this world in alien technologies. others believed his bald head reflected a light beam of information back to the mothership. it is rumoured (but as yet unproven) that the 1978 6th form still resides in his beard.
Disclaimer
All of the above is true
Don't be a retard; this is for funny stuff, not insulting stuff.